What is 18 inches long and makes all the ladies scream?










Crib Death.

This?

I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today.

Unfortunately, it's only for victims.

What's green and has wheels?









Grass, I lied about the wheels.

The Less You Know, The More You Make
"Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales People."

This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:

1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Time is Money.

As every engineer knows:
Power = Work / Time

Since:
Knowledge = Power
Time = Money

It follows that:
Knowledge = Work/Money.

Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

Conclusion:
The less you know,the more you make.

Most unfunny joke=

What do you call a fish with no eyes?



Fsh.

What's the best part about Frost-ing a 2-year-old?





Hearing the pelvic bones crack

What's the worst part?





Cleaning the blood off your clown suit.

What kind of bee makes milk?














Boo-bees.

Tough call, it's either Al Sharpton or Rush Limbaugh

How do you make a strawberry shake?

Put it in the freezer!

What do you call a crow in the sky?


A crow-sky.







Small children are dumb.

What Gets Longer When Pulled,
Fits Between your Boobs,
Inserts Neatly in a Hole
AND Works Best When Jerked?





















A seat belt.

What side of an apple is the reddest?

The outside!

What do you call an armless,legless man in a swimming pool? Bob!

What do you call an armless,legless man in a pile of leaves? Rustle!

What do you call an armless,legless man on your front porch? Matt!

What do you call an armless,legless man hanging on your wall? Art!

Once there was this guy, neither did the other one, and the next day it rained.

Why can't Jackalanterns have children?

Because They have hollow weenies!

How many Jews does it take to change a light bulb?




Who cares.

Dummy's joke wins. You can all stop now.

How many men does it take to screww in a light bulb?

One; men will screw anything.

Whats the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Dodge Viper?














I don't have a Dodge Viper in my garage.....

How many Native Americans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?



Not even all of them could do it. They'd have to wait for a white man to show up, take over, and do it right.

Ask me if I am a tree.


Are you a tree?



No,dah



My wife dies laughing for some reason .....I don't know why but I still tell her this joke.

This was one of my crazy Uncle Freddy's favorites.



Did you ever hear of the man who ran over himself?

No?

Well, one day a man was sitting on his front porch drinking beers and smoking cigarettes. He realized he was out of smokes, when he noticed a young boy walking by. He calls the kid over gives him some money and asks him to go over to the store and get him some cigarettes.

About 15 minutes later the kid showed back up and said that the store would not sell him the smokes...So the Man ran over himself.

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?



Two, but how would you get em in there?

What do you call an armless,legless man in a swimming pool? Bob! What do you call an armless,legless man in a pile of leaves? Rustle! What do you call an armless,legless man on your front porch? Matt! What do you call an armless,legless man hanging on your wall? Art!

What do you call a man with no arms, no legs, no head, and no torso?

Dick.

The daily newspaper in my town had a pun contest about a month back. Figuring myself a natural at this, I sent in a pun a day for ten days.
After the final day, they posted the results. I hoped to see at least one of mine make it to the final list, but alas, no pun-in-ten-did.

What do you call an armless,legless man in a swimming pool? Bob! What do you call an armless,legless man in a pile of leaves? Rustle! What do you call an armless,legless man on your front porch? Matt! What do you call an armless,legless man hanging on your wall? Art! What do you call a man with no arms, no legs, no head, and no torso? Dick.


What do you call a man with no arms, no legs, no head, no torso, and no dick?

Stubby.

What do you call a man with no arms and legs who's water-skiing?

Skip.

What do you call a man with no arms and legs who's sitting under the tire of your Buick?

Jack.

Another bad joke...

Q: What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

A: Nothing, you already told her twice.

What do you call a half-gay, half homophobic man?

Henry.







Sorry Kevin.

Andy has just graduated from college with a B.A in anthropology. Having earned top marks in all his classes, he is chosen to go to darkest Africa and study under the tutelage of the famous anthropologist Napoleon Chagnon.
He arrives a few weeks later in the village where he will be studying, and meets Dr. Chagnon. The Doctor shows him the ropes, introduces him to the villagers, etc, etc.

The whole time this is happening, there is a constant drumming in the background.

Dr. Chagnon continues his tour, talking about how the huts are built, during what times of the year their built, when the trees they're made of can be harvested, tribal rituals, etc.

Relentless, the drumming continues.

Chagnon continues to explain various aspects of the culture, until young Andy can stand it no longer, and asks him about the drumming in the background.

"Oh, that" says Chagnon, "You don't need to worry about that now, just know this: If the drumming ever stops, you must find me at once."
"Umm...okay" says Andy, and Chagnon continues his tour.

Days go by, turning into weeks, then months. Andy becomes accustomed to life in the village, goes on hunts, helps to build huts, and is generally accepted as a member of the tribe. The Drumming, always a constant in the village, gets to be so routine that Andy finds he rarely even pays it attention...

...Finally, after about six months, the village has decided to welcome young Andy as a man of the tribe. Preparations are made, and the stage is set.

The night before the ceremony is set to take place, Andy awakens with a start. Something is wrong, out of place. It takes him mere seconds to realize what is the matter, and then fear grips him:

The drumming has stopped!

Panic sets in, Dr. Chagnon had never explained what would happen when the drums stopped! Scared for his life, Andy bolts from his hut and runs across the village to the hut of Dr. Chagnon. He pounds on the doctor's door until Chagnon answers.

"what is it, Andy?" says Chagnon
"It's the drums, they've stopped" Andy cries, terrified.
"Oh no, this is Horrible!" Replies Chagnon
"Why, What's going to happen?" asks Andy.
"This has only happened once before, and it was a terrible time, we need to leave this Village at once!" Answers Chagnon. "Here, come with me!"
"But what is going on?" Demands Andy, "In all this time, I thought I knew this tribe, but you've never told me, and now I have to know: WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE DAMN DRUMS STOP?!"

Chagnon turns, looking at him with eyes full of dread and says:
























"Bass Solo."

A man and a woman were in a nursing home, every day they would sit on a bench looking out at the park, and the woman would hold the man's penis in her hand.

Being that she was old, this was the best that they could manage, and he was happy. One day he wasn't there, then the next, and the next.

Fearing that he was dead, she went to look for him. She found him walking out of the cafeteria. Relieved and slightly hurt, she said "Where have you been?, I've been looking all over for you!"
"I found another woman, and I'm with her now" Replied the man.
"Well, what's she got that I haven't got?!" demanded the woman.
The man looked her in the eye and said "Parkinsons".

I would have five orbed your Africa story, Mr. Coffee, if instead of "bass solo," you had said "fife solo."

What do you get if you cross a African American with a Mexican?


A Nigga that's to lazy to steal.






Please note that an "A" was used on the "N" word this is the non-racist reference
to an African American.

Drunk man staggers into a bar and stammers to the bar tender, "Call me a cab".

The Bartender (obligitory glass in hand) looks up and disintrestedly says, "You're a cab".

A man buys a piano that dosen't sound right. So he calls a friend who recommends a man to fix it. The man shows up, introduces himself as Oppernokitty, works on the piano and leaves.
After a couple of days, the piano owner notices the piano dosen't sound right again...so he call Oppernokitty to come back and fix it. Oppernokitty refuses.
The man asks, "Why won't you come back to fix my piano?". "Cause Oppernokitty only tunes once", replies the piano repairman.

The worst joke on America:
Rush Limbaugh thinks he's the leader of the Conservative Movement/Republican party.

And people agree.

Rush Limbaugh thinks he's the leader of the Conservative Movement/Republican party.


All politicians will Frost you...the only difference is are you going to get a Liberal ass Frost-ing or a Conservative reverse cowboy.

Or the shocker from those "Green Parties".

"Please excuse my son for being."

How many Native Americans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?



Not even all of them could do it. They'd have to wait for a white man to show up, take over, and do it right.

How many Native Americans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Zero eh; no lectricity on our rez.

So a Rabbi, A Catholic Priest, and a Nun walk into a bar. The Bartender looks up at them and says..."What is this? Some kind of a Frostin' joke?"

-How many able-bodied people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One!

-What do you call an able-bodied person standing on your door step?

Whatever his name is!

Whats the only thing worse than a dead baby swinging from a rope tied to a tree?




Stopping it with a shovel

A Priest and a Rabbi are walking down the street, when they see a boy walking up ahead.

The Priest looks at the Rabbi and says "Hey, let's go screw that little boy!"
The Rabbi looks at the Priest sand says "Out of what?"












(I don't remember where I heard that, here's hoping it wasn't on here)

Two bee keepers. First one says, "I've got 1,000 bees and 100 hives, how about you?" Second one says, "Well I've got 10,000 bees and one hive." The other guy looks shocked, "10,000 bees and only one hive???" "Yeah," says the other guy, "Frost 'em, they're only bees!"

What do you call an armless,legless man in a swimming pool? Bob!

What do you call an armless,legless man in a pile of leaves? Rustle!

What do you call an armless,legless man on your front porch? Matt!

What do you call an armless,legless man hanging on your wall? Art!

What do you call a man with no arms, no legs, no head, and no torso?

Dick.


Really? No head?

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs shorter than the others?

Lean beef.

What do you call a bull that just finished jacking off?

Pulled beef.

Here is another from my crazy Uncle Freddy.


There is an old man and an old woman who both live in a nursing home. The old man, randy as ever, makes plans for he and the old lady to meet out back in the shed to have sex.

Later that night after dinner they meet. The old lady takes off her top and bra. Then says to the old fellow, "I hope you know, I have acute angina.".

He says, "I sure hope so, cause your tits look like Shakespeare".

Two old ladies meet outside a cafe, one says to the other "Hello dear, did you come on the bus?"
"Yes dear," replies the other old lady "but I made it look like an asthma attack."

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
"If we don't get some support soon, people are gonna think we're nuts."

Worst joke I know:

"YES I will marry you!"

If your uncle Jack helps you off
will you help your uncle Jack off.

Two bee keepers. First one says, "I've got 1,000 bees and 100 hives, how about you?" Second one says, "Well I've got 10,000 bees and one hive." The other guy looks shocked, "10,000 bees and only one hive???" "Yeah," says the other guy, "Frost 'em, they're only bees!"

I don't get it. Was this a slum lord? with section 8 housing?


Sometimes things get lost in intercontinental translation...

What do you call a cow that had an abortion?





decalf-inated.

Why does the ocean roar?





You would too, if you had Lobstah in your bed!

How do you stop a baby from crying?







Stuff your Coleridge in its throat.

Thank God someone else didn't get that beekeeper joke. Lobster gave me so much Shakespeare saying, "There is no punchline, it's in the worst joke thread."

I kept thinking there was and I just didn't get it. Hell, there probably is.

I think I just didn't get it, because my sister sent me a joke at the beginning of the year that I kept on my phone because I didn't get it. Lobster finally explained it to me over dinner a few months ago when I told her, and it was so hilarious.

Already in the Eleventy Joke thread, but here goes:

Guy walks into a bar with a lizard on his shoulder.

Bartender says, "That's cute. Whadda ya call the little guy?"

Guy replies, "Tiny, because he's my newt."





If you don't get it, say it out loud or tell it to someone else.

When I said "Frost 'em they're only bees" I didn't mean literally. Although you're welcome to try, you might get a buzz out of it.

Yeah, you'd need a little prick.
Come to think of it, does popular music artist Sting base his name on the fact he's got a little prick? Or is it because he IS a little prick?
Or both?

A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend "You won't believe what happened. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything.

His friend replies, "That's great: did you get a blow job?"

Oh, no: I never found her head.

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long.

When asked why he was leaving Minnie Mouse, Mickey said, "Cause she's Frost-ingoofy".

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party

The Indian Chief proclaims, 'So, you are the great Lone Ranger.

In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days.
Before I kill you, I grant you three requests.

What is your first request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse.' The Chief
nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his
back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's
tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.

'You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two
days.

What is your second request?'

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to
him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise,

Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more
attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. 'You are
indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow.

'What is your last request?'

The Lone Ranger responds,

'I'd like to speak to my horse,.... alone.'

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone
Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks
him square in the eye and says,

Listen very carefully

for.... the.... last.... time,

I said.....


'BRING POSSE'

Why did the monkey fall of the tree?





because it was dead

What do you do if you see your wife's lover bobbing up and down in the water screaming for help?

Stop laughing and put your foot back on his head.

The lone ranger story was the funniest Shakespeare I've seen here in a fortnight...

Why did the monkey fall of the tree?





because it was dead

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?



because he was holding the dead monkeys hand.



Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?






because he saw the other two and thought it was a game.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are humping it across a desolate prairie when the Lone Ranger pipes up, "It sure is lonesome out here. I wish there was something to break the monotony. A train, a buzzard, something."

Then Tonto puts his ear to the ground for a few seconds, smiles, raises back up and tells him, "Buffalo come."

"Wow, you can hear them through the ground!" the Lone Ranger responds.

"No. Ground sticky."

So the Lone Ranger and Tonto arrive in the city when the Lone Ranger decides to stop at the saloon for a few drinks. "Watch Silver for me Tonto, till I get back."

Tonto begins to get paranoid seeing all the palefaces and wonders if they're all staring at the horse. Then he begins to run around it to see all sides of it and make people think he's crazy so they won't mess with him.

After about fifteen minutes of Tonto running laps around Silver a guy walks into the saloon and says, "Excuse me mister, is that your horse outside?"

"Yeah, why?" replies the Lone Ranger suspiciously.

"Because you left your injun running."

Probably bad gas

Q. What do you call a boomerang that wont come back?







A. A stick.

A guy walks into a bar and says "ow!"

Knock knock?

Who's there?

Iwannap.

Iwannap..who?

What is the difference between dead hookers and onions?
I cry when I cut up onions OR you can't wear a dead hooker on your belt

How do you get a goth out of a tree?
Cut the rope.

What do nine out of ten people enjoy?










Gang rape.

Q: Whats the worse thing about eating bald Poe?


A: Putting the diaper back on.

Why do you wrap your hamster in duct tape?






So it doesn't explode when you Frost it....

What is the difference between dead hookers and onions?


Cutting up onions makes me cry.



Or.



I cry when cutting up onions, I cum when cutting up dead hookers.

Why do you wrap your hamster in duct tape? So it doesn't explode when you Frost it....




Now you tell me.

I could of used that little tid-bit about 23 dozen hamsters ago.

Actually no hamsters were harmed.

I can Frost a Cheerio with out breaking it.

The hamsters don't even realize I'm Frost-ing them.

Kind of like what the Gubment does to the American people.

Execpt the government uses a huge, red, white, & blue Coleridge.

I just use my pink two inch killer.

What's Helen Keller's favorite color?

Black.


What's the Florida state vegetable?

Terry Shiavo.


What's the difference between a Volvo and a Mercedes?

Princess Diana wouldn't be caught dead in a Volvo.

Why do guys want to kill and cut up the prostitute?



That way when male hooker is gone; it's not gay.

What did Hitler get his daughter for her birthday???

An easy bake oven!!!

Why do German shower-heads have 11 holes?
Because Jews only have 10 fingers..

What sound does a baby make when you put it in the microwave?



I dunno... was too busy masturbating.

So the Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding through the desert and they come to a huge hill. The Lone Ranger looks at Tonto and says "Why don't you climb up on top and take a look-see and tell me what you see?"
So Tonto climbs up, looks to the east and says, "There's a bunch of Apaches in full war gear headed this way!" The Lone Ranger says "Oh No! what about to the west?" Tonto looks, and says," A Full war party of Comanche!" The Lone Ranger is starting to look a little nervous when he says "Well... what about to the south?" Tonto looks to the south and tells him that there are a bunch of Arapahos coming this way. So The Lone Ranger says,"WHAT ABOUT TO THE NORTH?!" Tonto turns around and informs him that there is a war party of Blackfeet running this way. The Lone Ranger starts to panic and says "Oh No Tonto.. What do we do? We're surrounded!" Tonto just looks at him calmly and says... "What do you mean "We", White man?

What's red & sits in a tree?
A sanitary owl.

Whats red and invisible ?

No tomatoes

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
None.

What's the difference between a purple grape and a gorilla?









They're all purple! Except for the gorilla.

so a guy and his wife get into a fight, just a knock-down, drag out, "Frost you too, Bitch!" spat, so he leaves the house and goes out drinking for several hours. Later, as he's stumbling around the "red light district" shall we say, he winds up in front of a "house of ill repute", and sees a flyer on the front door saying "3 breasted woman, $1000 a night"! so he reches into his pocket and finds his wife's credit card, score! so he goes in, tells them he's there about the ad out front, and they lead him to one of the rooms, where he finds one of the most beautiful women he's ever seen, and, sure enough, she has one big breast on the right,a matching mammary on the left, and right in the center, a third, even larger fun-bag. Best night of his life, hours at it, and goes straight from there to work the next day, then right back out drinking after. No need to run into the frigid ice-bitch at home. after beers and shots and what-not, he ends up right back at the same "hospitality establishment". but the sign is gone. "well screw it, can't be lucky every night" he decides and goes in for just one of the regulars. when he gets in the room, he realizes its the same woman from the night before, but her third breast is gone! what the hell! he asks he what happened to her third breast and she says

"oh honey, you can only suck out a boil like that once"

whos up for chowder?

Q: Why did the skeleton go to the movies by himself?




A: Because he had no body to go with him.

Q: What is brown and sticky?













A: A stick

Q. What's red and not there?













A. No tomatoes

How was copper wire invented?


Two jews grabbed a penny at the same time.