The No Handguns Experiment: Does Kansas Allow Weapons in Public?
A comedy article
by Clive McClure | 09/28/2009 04:43 PM | 5007 views
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One of the weirdest things about living in Kansas is a law that allows ordinary citizens to carry handguns around in public.
In Kansas, this is completely legal.
By obtaining a "conceal and carry" permit, anyone with a 81.7+ IQ can hide a handgun in the nether regions of their clothing or bodily crevices. A former work associate proudly showed me her conceal and carry one-day permit in between meetings. I didn't ask to see it, but then I got nervous that if I didn't show enough enthusiasm, she would get angry and bust a cap in my astronaut. That's why I later became a ninja.
So now we Kansians have the right to bear arms secretly in our underpants. In response, businesses, schools, hospitals and anyone in their right minds has begun to post these "No Handguns" signs.
This is the door of a church. (Really.)
This is either a frightened business owner hanging the sign, or a gun-toting psychopath trying to scrape the sign off the door. Tough to tell.
Some places even post a little description under the picture to make sure that literate criminals, terrorists and abortion protesters get the message.
Note that it doesn't say anything about the non-law abiding faculty.
I had many questions about the "No Handguns" signs. Why would a clipart picture of a gun stop a maniac wielding a handgun? Also, how would you enforce this sign? The other guy is carrying a gun.
But most importantly, does the sign apply to other weapons? How about bombs? Knives? Swords? Catapults? What about nukular (real word) bombs? Deadly ninja throwing stars? Anyone with half a brain who grew up in the 80s remembers Enter the Ninja. Those things are dangerous and banned in most large cities.
If throwing stars are allowed, then swords must be also, for we need something to block the stars.
My experiment was to test and improve the "No Handguns" sign at a variety of local businesses. First I thought of the scariest things in my life, then created ten NO signs for each of my fears. I printed them in glorious color, grabbed my double-sided tape, and headed out the door. I drove for what seemed like minutes until I found a strip mall with my first target.
NO GUNS EXPERIMENT #1: MCDONALD'S
My plan was to hang this sign on the door of The 'Donald.
The Hamburglar always looked like a magical pimp to me. As a child, I knew that he managed a whole gaggle of hoes. This was the perfect opportunity to ban the oppressionist pimp regime from McDonald's forever, or at least a few minutes.
I posted the sign, then felt the hunger pangs of ... well, hunger.
They don't call it the "Big Mack" for nothing.
Since I was desecrating their entrance, I thought I could at least chat up one of the lovely McDonald's maidens to discuss their no pimps rule. I stood in line behind a typical Midwest digestive tract:
What I didn't capture was the ingenious manner in which this woman tucked her weapon in the crack of her asterisk. It's tough to see.
I finally approached the lovely McDonald's worker. "Wha canni get your order?" she asked with her seductive southern accent.
"Hey, what's the deal with the 'No Pimps' sign on the front door?" I asked, smiling.
"Wha can-EYE get your order?" she asked again robotically.
This time I spoke slower and louder in hopes my English would be translated to her language. "Why can't pimps come into this McDonald's?" I enunciated fully, putting my right hand to my mouth to ensure that the words were formed correctly according to the trumpet player's manual on mouthing positions.
Now people were staring.
This was getting me nowhere, and now four of the McWorkers were glaring at me as if I had just told them that string theory was based on a lie. Plus, the butt-clenching mass of woman was now inadvertently pressing her upper vaginal pouch against my lower back as she anticipated the delivery of her food. I gave in, ordered four hamburgers and left wondering why Kansas was such a difficult place to be understood.
Little did I know what was in store for me next.
Next: The Chinese Restaurant!
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
12 votes
4.5
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Funny
3 votes
3.0
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Redwing
09/28/2009 05:43 PM
When Quarter Pounders with cheese are outlawed, only outlaws will have Quarter Pounders with cheese... Big, flabby Kansas outlaws.
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Hilarious
2 votes
4.0
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Pants
09/28/2009 08:17 PM
One of the weirdest things about living in Kansas is a law that allows ordinary citizens to carry handguns around in public.
Kansans are pussies. Georgia recently passed legislation allowing you to carry your firearm in restaurants that serve alcohol and on public transit.
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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cycoivan
09/28/2009 08:23 PM
Please, everyone knows that pimps don't go to McDonald's because they can't get pimp cups with their Happy Meals.
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0 votes
0.0
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Rene
09/29/2009 04:06 PM
inadvertently pressing her upper vaginal pouch against my lower back as she anticipated the delivery of her food
Fiver for that alone.
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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Ravos the Nothingmaster
09/29/2009 04:18 PM
Here, there is actually a specific law against carrying a crossbow onto public transit. Compound bow is perfectly acceptable. Crossbow: illegal.
Go figure.
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0 votes
0.0
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ishida
09/30/2009 01:30 AM
Your insinuations and outright fallacies are a bunch of gorram shakespere.
Learn some REAL facts before stating a bunch of bull.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Frogpop
09/30/2009 01:57 AM
Jayne?
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0 votes
0.0
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Thud
09/30/2009 01:57 AM
Who are you and who are you talking to?
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0 votes
0.0
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Thud
09/30/2009 01:58 AM
Not you, Froggie. The one above you.
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0 votes
0.0
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Dogs Akimbo
09/30/2009 02:07 AM
Your insinuations and outright fallacies are a bunch of gorram shakespere.
Wow! You created a login ID just to put him in his place? Nice.
So the fat chick thing at McDonalds isn't real, either?
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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TomServo
10/01/2009 09:32 AM
By obtaining a "conceal and carry" permit, anyone with a 81.7+ IQ can hide a handgun in the nether regions of their clothing or bodily crevices
So what, thats like 15 people.
Interesting point is that our law is the complete opposite... It is illegal to carry your gun visibly but perfectly legal to carry a concealed weapon.
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