The Infiltrator: Can Crazy People Buy Guns? Part 4
A comedy article
by Harmon Leon | 10/09/2009 12:23 PM | 3319 views
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In my latest experiment, I infiltrated the world of guns, to see just how easy it is for crazy people to buy firearms. [Read Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3 here.]

Gun Shop Number Three: A sleazy pawn shop in downtown San Francisco.
By now the six-pack is finished, so I dig into the vodka, putting an extra splash behind my ears and on my pulse-points so the clerk will know my scent. Pulling out a white T-shirt, I use the marker to scrawl "GUNS" on the front and back. Then I smear ketchup all over the shirt and my face. The gun clerk will either think I was in a brawl, or just a very sloppy eater. The look also complements my G-U-N-S knuckle tattoos.
I am now ready. It's party time, as they say. I sprint into the store with my eyes waving madly.
"Where's your guns?! I need guns!" I holler.
The clerk's attention is turned toward a television set where a woman in a bikini is walking down a catwalk. "I need your Gun Safety Certificate and a driver's license before I can show guns," he says, eyes on the TV.
I slap the requested materials on the counter, ready to get down to business, knowing exactly what I need. "I want a 9mm semi-automatic with 15 rounds!" I say, gesturing wildly with my hands. He shows me his only 9mm, but it's with eight rounds. I let out a loud drunken moan. "Not enough rounds, but I guess it'll do."

I pick up the gun and making shooting noises while pulling the trigger. I put the gun in the back of my pants and practice pulling it out quickly.
"POW-POW-POW-POW!" The clerk's attention goes back to the TV. I can tell he secretly hates me. Even worse is that I'm being upstaged by a scantily clad woman on TV. I want to shake him and say, "Excuse me! Crazy guy here, wanting to buy guns!" Instead, I stroke the gun, making sure my tattoos are clearly visible.
"I need this for protection. Protection against ... THEM!" I say. This momentarily gets his attention.
"Them?"
"Yeah, you know, the Germans," I say, nodding my head and slurring my words. The clerk's eyes briefly go to my bloody shirt, then back to my dark glasses.
"How much do I need to put down?"
"Well, there's a 15-day waiting period. You can put 30 percent down now."
"What if I get turned down? Do I get my money back?"
He looks at me and my shirt again, and asks if I have a felony. I pause for a moment, thinking about the question.
"Aah ... d'you mean convicted?" I ask, still stroking the gun.
"Yeah!" he says.
"Oh! Then no," I say.
"Well, as long as you haven't committed a felony and you have a Gun Safety Certificate, I don't see any problem," he says.
I let out a huge "Woo!" almost high-fiving the man. I tell him I'm going to get the cash and I'll be back later.
So there. All you need to know about guns: as long as you haven't committed a felony and have a Gun Safety Certificate, no problem! You can be a Nazi-hating alcoholic with bipolar disorder and blood on your shirt -- but as long as you've passed the written test on how to properly handle a gun, that firearm can be yours.
Merry Christmas. Drive safely. Try not to get shot on the way home.
Harmon Leon is an American journalist and humorist, and the author of five books, including The American Dream. Follow his infiltration exploits at Freedomhaters.org.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
7 votes
4.3
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0 votes
0.0
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KChiki #668 - Neighbor of the Beast
10/09/2009 12:26 PM
One of my best friends works in a pawn shop. I don't think he would sell you a gun. I think your problem is location. You need to try this in the Bible Belt!
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Cyco Chainsaw Massacre
10/09/2009 12:51 PM
You need to try this in the Bible Belt!
I don't think that would be an issue. I mean in Texas they give you a free gun with every bottle of liquor you buy. I saw it on Family Guy, so it must be true.
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Amusing
2 votes
1.5
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Bean
10/09/2009 04:09 PM
I wouldn't take KChiki's advice... if you try it in the Bible Belt, they'll shoot first and ask questions later.
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Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
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Pants
10/09/2009 09:09 PM
Location is very important. I live in metro Atlanta, not even in the sticks, and I guarantee you the gun shop workers here would either tell you to get the Frost out or pander to you until the cops arrive.
Now that I think of it, they might just take you to the basement and tie you to couple of saw horses and then have their way with you.
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0 votes
0.0
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A.C. the Sanguisuge Frankenstein
10/10/2009 08:43 PM
I live in Kaufman, Texas.
I graduated high school in 2000. Back then, it wasn't until my sophomore or junior year that they told us we weren't allowed to carry a shotgun on a gun rack in the window in our pick-ups anymore. Mind you, they said we were still allowed to have it, but we had to keep it behind the seat and not on the window, floorboard, or in easy view. They claimed it was mainly because they didn't want anyone breaking into your vehicle to steal your gun.
It does matter about location. We were allowed to carry clip and belt knives as long as or shorter than the palm of our hands, but we weren't allowed to wear trench-coats after the whole Columbine/Trench-coat Mafia b.s.
The middle school teacher down here was an ex amateur boxer and would let the seventh and eight graders out of trouble like suspension or ISS (in school suspension) if they would agree to box him after school in front of some of the student's classmates. With proper boxing attire of course. We are civilized after all.
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0 votes
0.0
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opossum
10/19/2009 12:18 AM
This article is OLD.
-CA waiting period has been 10 days (not 15) for a long time now, at least 10 years.
-It's illegal to sell or transfer magazines with capacity to feed more than 10 rounds as of 2000, and between 1994-2004 their manufacture was federally banned.
-High Bridge Arms is the last federally licensed firearms dealer in San Francisco. There are no pawnshops in SF that can sell guns.
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0 votes
0.0
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Bill the Zombie Squirrel
10/19/2009 03:54 AM
This article is OLD.
-CA waiting period has been 10 days (not 15) for a long time now, at least 10 years.
-It's illegal to sell or transfer magazines with capacity to feed more than 10 rounds as of 2000, and between 1994-2004 their manufacture was federally banned.
-High Bridge Arms is the last federally licensed firearms dealer in San Francisco. There are no pawnshops in SF that can sell guns.
I can add too this:
-I am a man who knows way to much Shakespeare about something no one should care about.
-Poop!
Does that about sum it up?
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0 votes
0.0
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Amityville Ravos
10/19/2009 11:21 AM
I live in Canada. We aren't allowed to use real guns. We have to use stuff likeBB or airsoft guns. You know, cause we might hurt ourselves, or the moose.
..eh?
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0 votes
0.0
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Phuc
10/19/2009 11:57 AM
Pants, metro Atlanta is like an oasis in a desert of stoobid.
Try a few counties out. Try Columbus. I think you'd have to be, like, black or something to be refused a gun down there.
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0 votes
0.0
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what does this button do?
10/31/2009 01:42 PM
Does anyone here know about the law passed in florida? If not, you can bring guns to work there now. Hmmmmm... I wonder what will happen...
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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Pants
10/31/2009 04:22 PM
Does anyone here know about the law passed in florida? If not, you can bring guns to work there now. Hmmmmm... I wonder what will happen...
Georgia has allowed guns in the work place, with a few exceptions such as schools, hospitals, etc..., for as long as I've lived in Atlanta and there isn't the mayhem that ultra lefties expect.
If you look at the history of gun control laws, the only thing that really has been accomplished is a huge waste of the tax payers' money for teddy bear legislation.
The Brady bill and New York's gun finger printing program are two perfect examples.
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0 votes
0.0
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TropicalChris
11/07/2009 05:29 AM
Guns are sold to protect people like us, from people with nothing better to do with their time/life...such as those who go from one gun store to another pretending to be a crazy person wanting to purchase a firearm...since usually those people are crazy.
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