When eating Pepperidge Farms Milano cookies, the paper divider is a signal to pause before continuing on to the next section stop.

Eat what is on the plate the waiter brings, not the waiter.

Always weigh yourself at the same time every morning. Weigh yourself again after taking a Shakespeare. That has to be worth at least a pound.

I have heard that bulimia and anorexia are two excellent weight loss programs.

If that fails you, try crack or meth.

Watch 'Hungry Bitches' after every meal.

Find a hobby to take your mind off of food, like stealing or murdering people. If you get caught, you'll probably lose weight in jail where you can't stuff your face with chocolate.

Killing Yourself,, is proved by science to be the fastest lose-weight-fast program! Try Killing Yourself,, today!

So... what's the rule?

STOP Frost-ing EATING!

Eat everything and suck in your stomach

Garnish your food with a little bit of feces, that way you won't want to eat as much!

Excercise!!!

There's a faster way to lose weight. Just cut the fat out with a surgeon's scalpal and then use spray adhesive to stick the skin back together.

Disclaimer: Might not work.

The rule is if you're giving head 10 times a day don't swallow. You'll save like a 50 to 250 calories that way.

Semen has calories? Maybe that's the reason plump women give the best head...they have the most practicce.

Yup according to these guys

I'm not sure what's worse, that someone asked or that they actually tested it to find out....or that I can now tell my wife I have a 100 calorie pack desert in my pants.

Good to remember if you're ever stuck out in the woods together...you shoot deer, you eat deer, she eats you...

I've seen meth work wonders at turning 20-year-old butter-trolls into 60-year-old-looking stick-figures.

Meth is very effective.

Before


After

Did you kick her ass or push her down a flight of stairs?

The above pictures only prove that she "listened" much better when she was chunky!

Keep a picture of Hillary Clinton in your wallet and look at it before ordering your next meal. Salad followed by bathroom and toothbrush in throat will ensue.

If no picture of Hill-dog is readily available, think of Rosie Odonell...but ensure no firearms are nearby for your own safety.

No one really needs an appendix.

Or two kidneys.

A lot of people don't need typing fingers.

Only eat food beginning with the letter X.

I'm pretty sure Acai berry is the cure-all.

lob a tit off