Building the Smashproof Pumpkin
A comedy article
by Brad Poynter | 10/20/2009 08:50 PM | 4642 views
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It's Halloween night. The pumpkin that you spent hours carving sits alone and defenseless on your front steps. A shadowy figure silently approaches your gourdy masterpiece as you lie in bed, unaware of the terrible catastrophe that is about to unfold.
Suddenly you hear a sickening splat that jolts you out of bed. As you rush out to see what is going on, the sound of laughter recedes into the blackness of the night. Looking around, you find the fruit of your labor squashed mercilessly into a pile of orange goop.
Has this ever happened to you?
Have you ever wished there was some way to prevent your beautiful artwork from getting smashed? Well I have, and that's why I set out to build The Smash Proof Pumpkin.
The Planning
With my goal being extreme pumpkin protection, there were a few obvious solutions. I could put my pumpkin someplace inaccessible, like Cambodia. I could lock it a heavy steel safe. But these solutions would not let me enjoy the company of my chubby orange friend.
I could put in here but it would take too much orange paint to make it seasonal.
No, I wanted an ordinary pumpkin that I could leave outside my house, without fearing it would be smashed. I would need to fill it with something -- but what? There was only one way to figure it out: experimentation.
First, I wanted to try a hard substance. The choice was obvious: concrete. Easily poured into the pumpkin, it would conform to the vegetable's shape, and harden into a nearly indestructible mass.
Plus, I could write my name in it while it was still wet.
I also wanted a substance with some flexibility, so I chose the modern miracle known as spray foam. You spray this stuff into an enclosed space (like the pumpkin), and it expands to fill all the little nooks and crannies in there. It's usually used for shipping fragile items, or insulating walls, but I thought it would work perfectly: just the right amount of springiness to absorb the impact of blunt objects.
They call it "Great Stuff" because if it was called "Good Stuff," some hillbilly would put it on a sandwich.
For my third test material, I wanted something that was not too hard, not too soft. I found my answer in my driveway, which is covered in pea gravel. Like concrete, this would have the strength of stone, but the pockets of air would allow some movement upon impact, cushioning the blow.
Sounds painful until you see its spelling.
With my plans laid out and my materials chosen, it was time for the next step: PREPARATION.
Next: Oh, yes! PREPARATION!
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Like This? Rate It!
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Funny
11 votes
3.9
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Funny
3 votes
3.3
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wulver
10/20/2009 11:09 PM
See, what I would do is just drop a deuce in my pumpkin. It'll be the last time anyone would want to smash it...
ALL BETS ON CONCRETE
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Chuckleworthy
4 votes
2.8
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Dogs Akimbo
10/21/2009 01:49 AM
They call it "Great Stuff" because if it was called "Good Stuff," some hillbilly would put it on a sandwich
I was all set to dislike you on general principles until that.
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0 votes
0.0
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Hydrant-monkey
10/21/2009 05:23 PM
Pea gravel.
Does sound painful until you see it spelled out.
5 orbies for that alone!
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0 votes
0.0
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Dolly P.
10/23/2009 03:22 PM
.... Ever thought abotu putting the pumpkin in the window?
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0 votes
0.0
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Cyco Chainsaw Massacre
10/23/2009 03:25 PM
Your logic and reason frightens and confuses me.
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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Brad Poynter
10/23/2009 03:30 PM
Dolly P.
10/23/2009 11:22 AM .... Ever thought abotu putting the pumpkin in the window?
I was afraid the doggy would knock it off with his waggly tail.
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