It's Halloween. BOO!
Sorry to scare you like that, but it's for good reason. I'm going to get a job as an actor portraying a monster in a haunted house. As with all my infiltration assignments, my mission is to report on what my experience is like -- but this time, I will also test the various levels of "scary" on my unwitting customers.
My journey begins when I come across an ad on Craigslist, trumpeting the need for haunted house workers in Marin, GA. My future in the haunted house industry looks very promising. WOOOOOOOOOO!
MY HAUNTED INTERVIEW ... OF TERROR!
The head of the haunted house tells me over the phone that they'll be hiring people right there, on the spot. Thus, a little preparation for my haunted house interview:
PREPARATION:
- 1 Black Cape
- 1 Pair of Fangs
- 1 Scary Attitude
- 1 Pseudonym (Franklin Stein)
How can they deny hiring a guy adorned in fangs and a cape, with haunted house vocational aspirations?! With costume in place, I head towards the Marin shopping mall, the sight of Scary University (name changed to protect the scary innocent). WOOOOOOOOOO!
My fangs are too big for my mouth; they take up the entire circumference, sadly sticking half in, half out. It makes anything I say sound like intense mumbling.
HINT: Don't go for the extra large.
A huge white tent is in the middle of the mall parking lot, as a group of people hammer various scary items into place. I approach, raising my cape in the air, Dracula-style.
"I'm here for the haunted house interview!" (They hear, "Rmmm rmm rmm rmm.")
"What?" says a large man with his belly hanging out the bottom of his shirt (I assume he is the leader).
"The haunted house interview!" ("Rmm rmm rmm!")
"You must be here for the haunted house interview," concludes the large man (he is the leader). "OK, you can take those fangs out now!" he adds without a smile.
"OK." ("Rmmmm.")
"I'm dying for a drink."
I'm taken inside Scary University. As far as haunted houses go, it's not a bad set-up. There's a fair amount of good scares, and I'm even taken off guard by a sliding picture frame with a jolting, decomposing corpse and loud shrill.
The application process is easy.
"Give a scream when you're done," says the one-who-is-the-leader.
"Should I make it a scary scream?" I exclaim, showing my spirit. The one-who-is-the-leader likes my attitude (I've gained haunted brownie points).
Since workers are going to be hired on the spot, I put down anything I damn well please, since they obviously aren't going to check. My past employment history is comprised entirely of haunted house-type experience:
PAST JOB EXPERIENCE:
- The Treehouse of Terror
- The Haunted Canoe
- Nightmare Traffic School
Upon completion, I give a heart-pounding, "WOOOOOOO!"
The one-who-is-the-leader looks over the application, then asks, "What was Halloween like when you were little?"
Answering like a 17-year-old girl in a black turtleneck, I take a poetic approach. I sit back and reflect. "Much laughing. Costumes. Bags of candy. Running," I recite, twirling my hair, "Falling asleep with a smile."
The one-who-is-the-leader extends his large hand. "I'd like you to work for us."
Bingo! Haunted house job secured!
"I won't let you down," I add. "I wont let you down!"
I put back in my fangs, twirl my cape and leave.
Next: Haunted House Training ... OF TERROR!
|
|
Share on your site: