The door is locked. You're sitting and relaxing, all alone, in the only consecutive ten minutes you can get to yourself all day. You set down your preferred reading material (in my case a heavily thumbed copy of The Watchmen) and prepare to complete your business, when the realization hits you:
You are out. Of toilet paper.
There's no need to panic, though. Because ZUG.com is here to show you The Best (Improvised) Alternatives to Toilet Paper!
The Testing
I'll be testing the best way to clear your ass of debris using items you should be able to find in any bathroom in America. I took a random sampling of my own bathroom and a quick trip to Aldi, the local ghetto grocery store, to procure my supplies.
Next, I had to simulate conditions in order to provide accurate testing. I had to create a simulation partly because I doubted my ability to generate multiple craps, and I didn't want to wipe, then reapply my own Shakespeare to my ass. I also could not convince my wife to take photos of my poopy butthole to post on the Internet again.
After some careful consideration, we decided on using chocolate frosting, with some canned corn thrown in for realism.
Since Kat still for some reason took offense to the prospect of smearing this across my ass and photographing it, we had to find a similar environment that wouldn't put us in German fetish porn territory. My belly button was a natural fit: it's about the same size, and it's got a healthy amount of hair around it to simulate the absolute worst conditions possible.
With that out of the way, we were ready to start testing. Warning: this is about to get gross.
Next: The Results!
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