The story starts when one of our ZUG readers complained about being taken in by a "free trial" offer for a product called "Power Colon Cleanse." Now, we're all familiar with these "free trials" where you have to either return the product within 30 days, or they'll start auto-charging your credit card $79.95 each month. It's "free" in the same way that venereal disease is "free."
I quickly uncovered a ton of complaints about Power Colon Cleanse on consumer sites, where victims tossed around words like "scam," "fraud," and "fraudulent scam." Then I visited the Web site, which was not exactly FDA-approved:
Because when you think "healthy lifestyle," you immediately think "Lindsay Lohan."
Digging into the bowels of this issue, I found several colon cleansing companies offering a not-really-free "free trial." After researching various consumer complaint sites, I narrowed my sights on the top three offenders: Power Colon Cleanse, Ultimate Colon Cleanse, and Colon Revitalize, which sounds like an energy drink you squirt up your ass.
These guys needed to be pranked.
Before I pranked them, however, I would have to find out if the consumer complaints were true. And so with fear and trembling, I bravely handed over my credit card to three possible scam operations.
TEST #1: POWER COLON CLEANSE
The "hard sell" began the moment I visited the site, with a "countdown timer" telling me I had only five minutes to order the product.
I was curious what would happen when it ticked down to zero -- would the screen erupt in a messy explosion of feces (Mission: Impoosible)? No, here's what happens:
That's right: the "sucker timer" restarts again. I didn't hang around long enough to see if the defecation detonation happened after another five minutes; I just ordered the poo-poo pills.
I'm not sure what a "100% Risk Free Satisfaction Guaranteed Online Exclusive" is, but it sounds like an advertising copywriter with a head injury.
With trembling fingers, I clicked the "Submit" button, sealing my fate forever: my "Free Trial" of Power Colon Cleanse was now on its way to me. I shuddered to think how much it would actually cost.
TEST #2: ULTIMATE COLON CLEANSE
Manufactured by a company called Organica Research, Ultimate Colon Cleansing looked fairly legitimate -- until I got to the checkout process.
Included with my order were three FREE thank-you bonuses that I didn't ask for: a $25 retail gift certificate, another "free trial" of a health Web site, and $149 worth of unwanted doctor's advice! Gee, thanks! Why not send me some smallpox and a pregnant donkey while you're at it!
But wait: there's more crap!
I could also buy a $30 weight-loss product, and an oversized pair of pants! But wait: there's still more crap!
I could also buy a $60 book on hypnosis, and become a big loser!
After declining all the offers (except the gift card, which I was hoping I could get for free), I was finally allowed to check out, feeling like I had just been raped by Jenny Craig.
TEST #3: COLON REVITALIZE
In some ways, buying this product was the scariest experience, because the Colon Revitalize order form made me buy an entirely different product called "ColoThin." Now, is ColoThin supposed to slim down my colon? I've never felt that my colon was chubby, but now that they mention it ... does this product make my colon look fat?
They say "Risk-Free Trial," but they don't say "risk free" for whom.
After punching in my order, they gave me a "special bonus": a 21-day trial to a Web site called Fit Factory, which would then begin charging me an additional $20/month. That's a little bit like going in to have your appendix removed, and the doctor telling you that as a "special bonus," they also removed your balls.
Ladies, just replace "balls" with "boobs" in that last sentence.
I bravely completed my order, then sat back to wait. All three products were now on their way to my house, but I wasn't even planning on trying them: I just wanted to seek and destroy the scammers.
